13.8 — If It Is Happening to You: the Plan

Read this whole page before doing anything on it, and read it somewhere the other person cannot see. If you are on a shared device, use a private window and clear the history afterwards, or use a friend's phone.

First: the immediate question

Are you in danger right now?

If yes — call 112. That is the single emergency number across India and it reaches police, ambulance and fire.

If you cannot speak safely, get to a public place, a neighbour, a shop, or a police station.

And if there are children in the house who are at risk, 1098 is the child helpline.

Everything else on this page assumes you are not in immediate danger.

The order matters

Do not announce, confront or leave before you have prepared. The period around separation is the most dangerous, and a plan made in advance is what protects you.

The sequence is: tell someone, gather, prepare, then decide.

Step 1 — Tell one person the whole truth

The most important step and the one most often skipped.

Not a summary. The actual version, including the parts you are ashamed of.

Why it comes first: isolation is what holds the situation in place (13.7). One person who knows changes what is possible — practically, because they can help, and psychologically, because you stop being the only witness.

Choose someone who will not immediately pressure you to act. If nobody in your life fits, call a helpline — that is exactly what they are for, and you can talk to them without committing to anything.

Step 2 — Start a record

Dated, factual, and stored where they cannot reach it — a friend's house, an email account they do not know about, a locked note on a device they do not use.

What to record. Date, what happened in plain words, what was said, whether anybody else saw it, and any injuries. Photographs of injuries, with a date visible if possible.

Keep messages. Screenshot rather than relying on the app.

Why: it protects your own memory against being rewritten (13.3), and if you later need police, a lawyer or a court, contemporaneous records are worth far more than recollection.

Step 3 — Secure the essentials, quietly

Documents. Identity papers, bank details, marriage certificate, children's documents, medical records, immigration papers. Copies are enough — photograph them and store them in an account they cannot access, or leave physical copies with someone you trust.

Money. Any amount, anywhere they cannot see. An account in your name only, at a different bank, with statements going to a different address or email. Financial control is one of the strongest traps (13.6) and even a small independent amount changes your options.

Devices. Check for location sharing, shared accounts, tracking software, and any account where they know the password. Change what you can, from a device they cannot see — and be aware that noticeable changes can themselves provoke a reaction, so time them.

And a bag, if you may need to leave quickly — documents, medication, keys, chargers, some cash, essentials for children. Left with a neighbour, a friend, or at work.

Step 4 — Make a safety plan

Written, specific, rehearsed.

Where you would go, right now, at 2 am. A specific address, and a second one.

How you would get there. Money for a taxi, kept separately.

A code word with one or two people — a word in a message that means come, or call the police.

Which room to avoid in an argument — kitchens and bathrooms are the most dangerous rooms in a house, and any room with only one exit.

What the children should do. Where to go, who to call, and — importantly — that it is not their job to intervene.

And who to call: the numbers below, saved under an innocuous name.

Step 5 — Get professional advice before you act

This is the step that determines whether leaving is safe.

A domestic abuse service can help you plan the timing and the method, and they do this constantly. They can advise on protection orders, on housing, on what happens with children, and on the practical sequence.

A lawyer, where property, marriage or children are involved. Many places have free legal aid.

And the police, where a crime has occurred — which includes physical assault, threats, stalking, and in some jurisdictions coercive control itself.

The numbers in India

112 — the single emergency number. Police, ambulance, fire.

181 — the national women's helpline.

14490 — the National Commission for Women's 24-hour helpline.

1098 — the national child helpline, for a child in need of care and protection.

1930 — the cyber crime helpline, for online harassment, image-based abuse and financial fraud.

14416 — Tele-MANAS, the government's free 24-hour mental health support line.

Save them under an innocuous name.

And the legal position in brief. The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005, is a civil law that covers physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and economic abuse, and can be used to obtain protection orders, residence orders and monetary relief. It applies to any woman in a domestic relationship — wife, partner, mother, sister, daughter — not only to marriage. Criminal provisions cover assault, cruelty, and dowry-related offences separately. Get advice from a lawyer or a service rather than relying on a summary.

If you are a man in this situation

It happens, it is under-reported, and the services are fewer.

Everything on this page applies to you. The record, the money, the documents, the one person told.

The additional obstacles are real: being disbelieved, being treated as the aggressor, and shame. None of them change what has happened to you.

112 is for you too. So is Tele-MANAS on 14416. And a lawyer, because the legal framework in India is largely written for women and you will need advice specific to your position.

After leaving

Risk does not end at separation and frequently rises. Plan for the period afterwards, not only for the exit.

Change what can be changed. Locks, routines, routes, passwords, and location settings on everything.

Tell the people who need to know — workplace security, the school, close neighbours. Not as an embarrassment, as a practical measure.

Expect to feel worse before better, and expect to miss them. Both are normal and neither means you were wrong (12.10).

And expect the possibility that you will go back. Most people do, at least once. If it happens, it is not a reason to stop planning — the plan stays, and you use it next time.

What to do

Tonight: tell one person the truth, or call a helpline and say it out loud to a stranger.

This week: start the record, and photograph your documents into an account they cannot access.

This month: put money somewhere separate, and write the safety plan with two addresses.

And do not confront, announce or leave until you have spoken to somebody who does this professionally. That is the single instruction on this page most likely to keep you safe.

Next: 13.9 is written for the other side — for somebody who recognises themselves as the person doing harm.